From the Rector- Comfort In, Dump Out
One of the hardest things to know when someone is experiencing a crisis, trauma, or grieving, is what to say – and conversely, what NOT to say. You don’t realize how many trite platitudes there are out there, wrapped up in bad (and sometimes harmful) theology until you are the focus of people wanting to care for you.
“Heaven needed another angel.”
“Be glad it’s only stage 2, my uncle had stage 4.”
“You’re young, you can have more children.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
When people see those they care about are hurting, they want to do something. The problem with this, though, is that it’s easy for it to become not about the person in crisis at all – but instead about the person who’s trying to offer comfort. Because they feel at a loss, they try to do something, so they can feel better. Because it triggers memories of their own, they act of their own feelings, rather than focusing on the other person.
It comes from a place of love, but as I can share from my own experiences, it can come across as not helpful, and sometimes even hurtful. For this reason, when folks come to me to ask how they can help someone who is in the middle of a big life event, I offer two suggestions.
The first is to pray. That is NOT trite, no matter how trite it may sound. Reaching out with your heart to God on behalf of someone else is a fundamental action of being a person of faith. It is doing something. And you can also share with God all the feelings you are experiencing as well – giving them over to God so that you don’t put them on the person you want to comfort.
The second thing I offer to people is something called Ring Theory. Ring Theory is a concept developed by psychologist Susan Silk and her friend Barry Goldman, and its first rule is comfort in, dump out.
As seen in the image below, the person that is afflicted or grieving is in the center, their significant other and those closest to them are in the next ring, then comes true friends, followed in the next ring outward by colleagues, and finally in the outer ring, lookie loos.
The basic tenant is that comfort always flows in, and kvetching and anger and fear get dumped out. So if you’re in the center – you can say whatever you want to whoever. Because it’s about you. But if you’re in an outer ring, your job is to offer comfort to all those inward. If you need to process your own feelings, you only get to do it to those in a ring further out than you.
They key of course is correctly identify which ring you are really in. But once you do this, and the follow the flow, I can tell you it works – having experienced being both in the center and the outer rings. And I commend the two brief articles below that go into more detail about Ring Theory ideas for ways to offer comfort and help. My hope is that with God’s help, and wisdom gleaned from experience, we can gracefully care for one another in times of need.
Yours in God’s peace,
Kristin+
Ring Theory Helps Us Bring Comfort In
How Not to Say the Wrong Thing
Finance/Stewardship
St. James’ is very grateful to our parishioners and many friends who have pledged or donated to the Replenish & Establish Project. At the CELEBRATION event on April 22nd, it was announced we were very close to reaching our goal amount of $185,000 and since then we have leaped even closer. The actual donations have continued to grow as well and the donations on hand are certainly much more than we ever anticipated. Should we reach the pledge goal, an explosion of JOY will be heard all over Mount Airy! The understanding and support for this important effort that we have received from our congregation as well as from long-time friends and new friends is gratifying beyond words.
We must recognize the Replenish & Establish Project committee members responsible for our success: Lynda Ellis and her committee, Bonnie Winkler, Blix Winston and Dave Rak; Victor Pellicer and Alan Nanavaty; Aline Sautter and Deb Schaeffer; and the Steering Committee of Jim Bullington, Jim Mauro, Jeannie Pellicier, and Jane Barger – all under the able guidance of our Rector, Kristin+ Krantz. Thank you all for your time and effort as well as the fun of working together.
WEEKLY ANNOUNCEMENTS
Clean Up Day Thank You
I would like to thank everyone who came out for Spring Clean Up on April 28th. We were blessed with excellent weather during the work day and we made the most of the sunshine. At the beginning of the day I had compiled what I believed to be a more than ambitious list of jobs to be done. Never did I think that we would exhaust that list in one morning. To my great surprise we hit every item on my list and a few things that were not on the list. Some of the highlights for the day were the bushwhacking of the sediment control pond, weeding of several flower beds, the replacement of all dead light bulbs in the nursery school, and the re-striping of the parking lot. We finished up the day with a delicious and well deserved pizza lunch. I would like to say a special thanks to past Junior Warden Jim Bullington for helping me keep things organized and his continued guidance.
Ty Conlon,
Junior Warden
A Reminder—R&E Donations
Since many parishioners will begin making monthly donations to the Replenish & Establish Project beginning in May, please remember that it is necessary to write a separate check for any R&E donations and payments. St. James’ will provide a separate statement for R&E so pledge and R&E funds are not mixed together. The finance ‘people’ appreciate your help..…..thanks!
Volunteers Needed!
Our Quartermania fundraising event is only a few weeks away, therefore, we still need several people to help post fliers at the local businesses by approximately May 17th—you may choose the area of town you prefer and it will only take 30-45 minutes to accomplish this easy task. Many hands will make light work—PLEASE VOLUNTEER!
If you would be interested in helping with postings or at the event itself, there is a sign-up sheet in the narthex or you may contact me, Marilyn Hancock, at Ladyzip2004@yahoo.com or 301-788-0136. Your help will be greatly appreciated!
Prayer Rotation
Please join the Daughters of the King in praying for each parishioner in rotation during 2018 by taking this notice home and by posting it where it will remind you to pray on a daily basis for the needs and blessings of:
Chris and Misty Tieman (Holten, Haeden, Ascher)
John Travers and Linda Bonifant-Travers
Thomas and Beverly Williams (Jordan)
A member of the Daughters of the King will be contacting you this week for special prayer requests.
